


Don't be so hard on yourself - Sequel

by writingformadderton



Category: Rocketman (2019)
Genre: Domestic Fluff, Eating Disorders, Family, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Restricting, Self-Esteem Issues, Triggers, Vomiting, argument, body issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-25
Updated: 2020-04-25
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:08:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,321
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23841280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writingformadderton/pseuds/writingformadderton
Summary: This fic is one of the two requested prequels for Don’t be so hard on yourself. Richard is struggling with his Eating disorder and Taron tries to support him as good as he can. Richard has a hard time mentally, which affects him and his relationships with Taron and his mother. A friend of him, who’s also his stylist does her best to help him while Taron is away shooting. Taron and Richard take a trip to Scotland, visiting Richards parents.
Relationships: Taron Egerton/Richard Madden
Comments: 2
Kudos: 9





	Don't be so hard on yourself - Sequel

Richard styles his hair and tries not to give the rest of his body all too much attention looking in the mirror. He has to pick up Taron from the airport in half an hour and he has very mixed feelings about it. On one side, he’s happy to have him back. He needed his boyfriend and missed him dearly. But mostly, he is afraid. He hadn’t been doing all too well these last three weeks and was able to hide it during phone calls. As soon as Taron would step out of the gates, he would realize what’s really been going on. 

Taron was extremely talented in seeing how Richard feels. Richard tried to hide it, using his acting skills. But Taron’s observant eyes see even the tiniest trembling of his hands and smallest hesitation in his answers. He knows him inside and out, and Richard became an open book to him. Which was a relief because he never had to explain much, but it was always scary in bad times. 

The ringing of his phone nearly gives him a heart attack and he jumps slightly. Looking at it shortly and seeing it’s his mother, he considers just missing the call and texting her later. He bites his lower lip nervously and plays with his hands while looking at the phone lying at the sink. Ugh, screw it. “Mom?” he takes the call and breathes in deep to control his tired voice. 

“Hey, how are you?” Pat asks and listens closely. Richard hasn’t been texting or calling her for the last three weeks. This was never a good sign. 

“I’m doing okay. How are you and dad?” he asks and sees he bit his lip too long, a drop of blood slowly spreading over them. Shit. 

“We are fine. Richard, are you okay?” she asks again, firmly this time. 

“I just told you that.” he says a bit harsher than he wanted to. Richard rubs his face and rolls his eyes at himself. Now his mother was on to him. 

“And I told you a hundred times before to be honest to me. Especially about this little problem.” 

Richard just laughs pejoratively and walks out of the bathroom. “You still can’t give it a name, huh?” 

“What?” Pat asks confused and thinks back to what she said. “You hate talking about it. I don’t wanna call you and ask how you’re handling your eating disorder.” 

“Sounds better than always labeling it as my problem, struggle or whatever. That sounds like I’m a problem myself, mum.” he explains and opens the window in their bedroom, trying to breathe in some fresh air. The weather is way too warm and beautiful for his mood today.

His mother remains silent for a short while before speaking again. “I never heard you saying that to Taron. He doesn’t put it into words as well, am I right?” 

“What does that have to do with it? T is around me all the time and helps me out when it gets too hard to handle. Of course he won’t put it into words when I’m around him. He knows how hard it is, because he’s helping me.” Rich states and frowns slightly. Where was this conversation going? 

“Well I would love to help you, but your boyfriend is the only one you talk to about it. So, don’t come at me with this.” She sighs a bit and stares out of the window. “Taron is coming back today anyway, right? I’ve got nothing to worry about then.” 

“Oh, for fucks sake, mum!” he groans and rubs his face. He hates fighting about this with his mother. She would never understand how hard it has been for him to open up to Taron, taking that step to being his boyfriend and actually let Taron in when it hits him the hardest. He gets his mother’s viewpoint but what she forgets was how it made him, a 33-year-old grown man, feel to struggle with something like this and admit it to people. 

“What? I know Taron is the only one you let inside and help you to fix it.” 

“Seriously, you need to work on your vocabulary for these conversations. I’m not having a problem and I don’t need to be fixed. I’m not broken, mum.” He rests his forehead on his arm, trying to keep his breath under control and cool down with the air from outside.

“That’s what you like to believe.” She hears the annoyed groan of her son. “You know Taron’s help won’t be enough sooner or later. What are you gonna do then? Push it until it’s too late?”

Richard feels himself getting pushed into a corner and he hates it. He needs to stop this immediately before it has an even worse impact on him than it already does. “I need to work.” 

“No, you don’t. You have a day off to get Taron.” Pat shakes her head slightly. Her son always tries to get out of their conversations, giving excuses for why he can’t talk right now. “I’m serious, Richard. How long do you think Taron will deal this, huh?”

Richard draws a sharp breath and feels himself getting sick. “What?” he asks lowly and sits down on their bed heavily. 

“You heard me.”

“Mum, you-.” Richard takes his phone away from his ear and feels tears burning in his eyes. His mother knows exactly how much Richard worries about the effects it has on Taron. “You can’t just throw the thing I’m most afraid of into a conversation when I’m not doing well.” he says and ends the call without a goodbye. He throws his phone aside and gets up, feeling his chest getting tight. The Scottish feels panic taking over his body and he starts pacing the room, trying to stop it somehow. 

His phone rings loudly and he just ends the call without looking at it. Fuck, she did it again. Whenever his mother realized he wouldn’t listen to her or try to get out of the phone call, she did it. She hurt him over and over again, making him believe that Taron would take a step back and break up with him. He knows she doesn’t do it on purpose, but it wrecked him every single time. 

Three declined calls later, he slides down on the floor next to their bed and tries to stop himself from crying. His thoughts are racing, but he knows he has to pick up Taron. He doesn’t even know how late it is now. His phone rings again and this time he takes it. His eyes are full of tears and he can’t see who called him. Suspecting it’s his mum, he takes it this time. “Stop calling me, mum. You messed it up and I feel like shit, happy now? I told you a thousand times to stop using Taron to get to me and you’re still messing it up.” There’s a moment of silence, and suddenly Richard fears it isn’t his mother on the line. 

“What happened?” he hears his boyfriend ask and curses under his breath. 

“Nothing, just got into a fight with my mum.” Richard says slowly leaning back and looking up at the ceiling, shaking his head. Fuck, fuck, fuck! Now Taron knew he wasn’t doing so well mentally and started falling back into his disorder behaviors. 

“Yeah I got that. I’m at the airport now, should I take a cab, or-?” Taron sits down on a seat and leans against the wall behind him.

“No, I’ll pick you up. I’m sorry, I lost track of time.” Rich pushes himself up and grabs a tissue, walking into the bathroom. 

“Richard, are you feeling well enough to drive? I can take a cab, it’s no problem.” Taron urges him softly. 

“No, I-.” Richard shakes his head and sniffs when the tears start running his cheeks down rapidly. He buries his face in his hand, taking deep breaths and trying to calm down. He can hear Taron talking to someone and tries to focus again. 

“I’ll be home in ten minutes, it’s okay. Whatever happened we can talk about it. There’s nothing that will change anything between us, alright?” Taron says softly and closes the door of the cab behind him. He tells the driver the address of his neighbor a street around the corner, a safety measure they made up with this particular neighbor. Richard just hums a hesitant yes and Taron leans back in the seat. “I love you, Richard. I’ll see you soon.” 

“Love you too.” Richard says with a shaking voice and ends the call. “Fuck!” he shouts and slams his hand onto the sink. He changes into sweatpants and a wide sweater quickly. Rushing back into the bathroom, he nearly drops his phone. Richard turns the water on and washes his face. He looks at himself in the mirror and grumbles. “Get yourself together!” he takes advantage of his acting skills and stops himself from crying, clears his throat and blows his nose. 

Taron opens the front door anxiously and steps inside. His mind is racing, nervous for what mindset he’ll find his boyfriend in. “Rich? I’m home.” he shouts and slides off his shoes. He looks up when he hears him coming down the stairs, appearing in comfy clothes. Taron can see he had gone through a panic attack. The controlled labored breaths, his slightly messy hair, and the way he keeps his hands in his pockets to hide the shaking. “Hey.” He says, voice wavering just slightly. 

“Hey.” Rich just says and takes a deep breath smiling a bit at him. “You need something to drink or eat?” 

“I need a hug from my boyfriend who I haven’t seen in three weeks.” Taron slowly says and steps closer, hesitating as Richard looks at him a bit startled. 

“Ugh god, I’m sorry.” Rich breathes out and wraps his arms around him. “I’m such an idiot. I really wanted to pick you up. I was already ready in the bathroom.” 

“It’s alright.” Taron says and holds him close, breathing in his cologne. Rich buries his face in his shoulder and holds him tight. T decides to remain silent and give him the reassurance he needs. 

“I didn’t mean for you to find out what happened in such a way.” he says and lifts his head. 

“That’s okay.” Taron chuckles softly and his eyes wander all over his face. “How did your mum use me to get to you?” he asks softly. 

Richard bites his lower lip. “Whenever she has the feeling I’m not doing well, she tries to make me talk about it. You know how hard this is for me.” Taron nods understandingly. “And then we always get to the point where she doesn’t know how to continue with me.” Rich shakes his head and avoids Taron’s look. “’How long do you think Taron will do this?’ ‘How long do you think he’ll watch it?’ ‘You think he’ll stay if you don’t change something about it?’” 

Taron swallows hard hearing that. His mother confronted him with his biggest fear in all of this. “I’m sorry, Rich.” he says and tries to make eye contact again. “Look at me, love.” Richard does, hesitating because of the new formed tears in his eyes. “Your eating disorder isn’t a reason for me to leave you. You are fighting it and that’s all that matters. Sometimes it kicks your ass, but you get back on your feet again.” He lifts his hand and fondles over Richard’s cheek. “I fell in love with you before I knew it. I still loved you when you told me about it. That won’t change.” 

Richard nods and blinks away the tears. “I’m just scared of hurting you because of it.” 

“One word from you and I’ll drive you to your therapist. We didn’t visit regularly because I wanted to give you the choice to decide when you need an appointment and when not. I’ll only step in if I recognize it’s getting out of control.” 

“That’s why I open up to you. Because it’s still my choice afterwards.” he admits and leans his forehead against Taron’s.  
Calm down, you’re in your safe space again. Taron is the one you can talk to, even on your darkest days. He understands how much pressure work puts on you and what it does to you. 

“Take your time and then talk to your mum about it.” Taron suggests and lifts his hand, fondling over his hair. 

“Okay.” Richard closes his eyes for a moment and takes in the safety and comfort radiating from Taron. “Hey.” he says softly with a smile and kisses him lovingly. 

“Hey.” T whispers and kisses him back sweetly. 

“Okay, you want to-.” Richard gets cut off by his phone ringing. He looks at Taron before taking it out. “It’s…my dad.” 

“Maybe it’s better to talk to him first.” Taron says and looks at him waiting. “What?”

“I’m gonna put it on speaker so you know what’s going on.” Richard says and Taron agrees. He walks into the living room, pulling T with him. They sit down and he answers the call, putting him on speaker. “Dad?”

“Hey, Rich. Listen, I’m not trying to tell you what to do or get involved in it. But your mum seemed upset.” His father starts and is silent for a moment. “Even though she doesn’t tell you, she feels like you don’t trust her because you don’t talk to her about it.” 

Richard leans forward and braces his head on his hands before rubbing it slowly. “Dad, I told her before, it isn’t easy for me.” 

“I fully understand it, son. And I respect you for getting help when you need it and opening up to Taron. I’m lucky you two have such a connection. You know I’m glad that you’re brave enough to talk to him about it.” he explains and Richard lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding in. “Maybe you could just remember your mum and give her a call sometimes or text her.” 

“That has the same outcome every time.”

“What outcome?” he asks confused.

“Me having a panic attack or feeling like shit. Then I get rude and she gets hurt. It wasn’t the first time she said I would lose Taron if I don’t change.” Richard says and glances at T shortly, who’s listening closely and caught up in his thoughts. 

“Didn’t know that. - Rich, T won’t leave you. I hope you know that. You’ve gotten better since he’s been here.” he says soothingly, and Taron grabs his hand lovingly. “Are you free next week? You could come over for a few days. We could spend some time together.”

“I-I don’t know. Taron just got home after a three-week shoot. I don’t wanna leave him already again.” Richard looks at Taron, who watches him observantly.  
“Well if Taron has nothing against it, you can bring him with you. Haven’t seen him in a while as well.” His father suggests, not letting him go so quickly. Richard looks at Taron who nods, and so he tells his father they would come over. “Take care of yourself, Richard. I’m proud of you.” 

“Thanks, dad.” Rich says and they say goodbye. He looks at Taron and sees the thoughtful look he gives off. “What?”

“How were you feeling before your mother’s call?” he asks and watches him closely. 

“Do I need to talk about this right now?” Rich leans back and looks up at the ceiling, remaining silent as Taron says nothing. “Fine, what gave it to you this time?”

“This.” Taron carefully strokes his finger over Richard’s a bit bloody lower lip. “This.” He strokes his thumbs over the dark circles underneath his eyes. “This here.” T grabs his shaking hands and squeezes them a bit. “And your blue eyes tell me a story before you can even think about hiding it. The night you stayed up too long after going for dinner with Zoey, who knows about it as well.” 

Rich just laughs weakly and opens his arms. He pulls him onto his lap and buries his face in his neck. “I really don’t wanna talk about the last three weeks now. Maybe tomorrow.” 

“Okay.” T says and remains quiet for a moment. “Anything I can do to make you feel better?”

“No, it’s enough to be able to cuddle with you.” Rich sighs and gets quiet again. 

That evening, Taron is confronted with how bad the last three weeks were for Richard. While cooking, Richard opens the window, even though it’s terribly cold outside. He runs around in the kitchen nervously, contorting his face whenever he lifts the pan lid and smells food. When they finally sit down to eat, Richard barely eats and tries to engage him in conversations.

After a while, he stops fully and looks down at his plate shaking his head. “I’m sorry, I can’t finish it.” 

“You sure?” Richard nods and looks up with a pained look on his face. “Okay, no problem. You ate something, so that’s all that counts.” Taron says and takes the rest of it onto his plate, sharing a wink.

“I’ll be in the bathroom.” he says and sees how Taron stops chewing and looks up to him. “I won’t throw up, I promise!” he calms him down with a light chuckle and watches him relax in his seat again. 

He closes the bathroom door and leans against the door for a moment. He walks over to the window and opens it, breathing in the fresh air. The smell of the food made him sick and turned his stomach upside down. When he feels better he flushes the toilet, closes the window and washes his hands. He avoids seeing his own reflection in the mirror and focuses on the sink and towel in front of him. 

Back in the kitchen, he sits down and smiles at Taron who finishes his glass of wine. 

Richard opens the public bathroom door and stumbles inside of one of the stalls. He closes the door quickly and leans against the door taking deep breaths. Taron was outside talking to his parents and if he took too long either Taron or his dad would come and look after him. 

He slides down the wall and wraps his arms around himself. Looking at his watch, he gives himself three minutes. Seeing his mother hugging Taron brought it all back and he feels the panic lying under the surface. 

Richard buries his face in his hands and takes deep breaths, telling himself it would be okay. After three minutes he gets up, flushes the toilet and opens the door.  
Taron is leaning against the sink countertop with his arms folded in front of his chest. He watches him with a knowing look and it makes Richard freeze. “Told them I’ll wash my hands.” 

“Mm.” Richard steps out slowly and turns on the water to wash his hands. “I don’t know if this was a good idea.” he mumbles and washes his face, cooling himself down. 

“I knew you were thinking that. That’s why I came looking for you.” Taron says and rubs his shoulder lovingly. “Listen, if it gets too much we’ll stay in a hotel the next couple of days and enjoy a vacation in Scotland. Just us two.” 

Richard looks at him and chuckles. “Fine.” 

“Deep breaths and don’t let anything freak you out, babe.” 

“I’m trying, bub.” 

Having dinner with his parents isn’t easy at all. Richard doesn’t feel like eating and just shakes his head when his mother wants to fill his plate.

Taron takes over the situation and sits closer to him, putting his plate in the middle of them. “Eat a bit of mine, alright?” they share a small, yet loving glance and Taron sees the agreement in his lover’s ocean eyes. T wraps his arm around him and fondles his hair while pressing a kiss onto his temple.

Rich smiles at him bravely and picks up his fork to try and eat as much as he can without pushing it too far. He stops soon after and Taron assures him it’s okay. Richard nods and leans back while chatting with his parents. Hearing that its okay not to finish his plate when he was at least trying, was exactly what he needed. He needs reassurance. He needs to know that his efforts are seen. And that was always easy around Taron.

After dinner, Taron leans against Rich. T wanted Rich’s parents see that he needed Richard and loved him just as much. Letting Richard hold him sent the message that the love was mutual and constantly growing. His boyfriend presses a kiss to his hair and he smiles, grabbing his hand. Taron closes his eyes and feels himself getting tired.

“Tired?” Rich asks and looks down at him. The way Taron is sinking more and more into his arms gave it straight away. 

“Mm. I’m still a bit jet lagged because of Tuesday.”

“It was two days ago, that’s normal.” Richard states and runs his fingers through his hair calmingly. “I’m tired as well. Let’s go to bed earlier today.” Taron hums agreeing and opens his eyes again. He looks up to him and Rich leans down to kiss him softly. Richard wraps his arms around him and pulls him on his lap.

They lie down and Taron turns to his side watching his boyfriend, who’s staring at the ceiling and tapping his fingers on his chest nervously. “So far so good, don’t you think?”

“Yea.” he says and bites his lower lip.

Taron pushes himself up on his elbow and taps his finger on Richard’s lips. “You’re gonna bleed again.” Richard stops and looks at T who’s hovering over him now. “What’s going on in your mind?”

“Nothin’.” Richard says and avoids his look again. “Can we sleep now?” 

“Hm okay.” Taron says and moves to kiss him goodnight, but Richard turns his head to the side and reaches out for the light. T pulls back a bit startled and watches him sitting on his knees. The light goes out and Taron lies down frowning.

“Night.” Richard says and turns around.

“Night.” Taron mumbles and stares at the back of his boyfriend. He decides to let him be and give him his time. Today was more emotionally stressing for Richard than he cared to admit. “You know you can talk to me right?” he says after a while. 

“I don’t wanna talk about it right now.” Richard spits out harshly and cursed at himself immediately after. “Sorry.”

But Taron just turns around and pulls the blanket closer around himself. He doesn’t answer to this and Richard doesn’t try it again. 

The next morning, Richard locks the bathroom door behind himself as he goes for a shower and Taron remains in bed staring out of the window. There was no hello or good morning kiss for him today and it made his heart ache a bit. He could cope with it better had he not been away for a while before.

When Richard steps out of the bathroom, he’s fully dressed and pretends to search for something in his suitcase when Taron gets up and passes him to go for a shower.  
“Morning to you too, Richard.” Taron just says and closes the door behind him before he can say anything.

Rich looks up a bit confused. It wasn’t Taron’s normal behavior to call him Richard. It happened rarely and always had something either calming, important or some madness behind it. He sighs and steps out of the room, going downstairs to greet his parents. 

His father starts to talk him into walking a bit in the hills when Taron comes down the stairs. Richard gets distracted looking at his boyfriend wearing tight black jeans and a white shirt. T sits down next to him and greets Richard’s parents. Rich can smell the shampoo and sees his hair is still a bit wet in the back of his neck. He lifts his hand to stroke over it and T flinches at his touch. 

Richard’s father notices the way Taron grabs his coffee tightly and how his son pulls back his hand bracing his head on it now. Something was wrong between them. “Why don’t we go and take Taron with us?” 

“Huh? Where do you wanna take me?” Taron asks confused and looks at Richard shortly who remains silent. 

“I asked Richard if he wants to go for a walk in the hills at the cliffs.” 

“I think that’s a good idea. Some fresh air.” Taron says and finishes his coffee. 

Richard glances at him and nods slowly. Fresh air. The question was who needed to calm down? “Fine.” 

An hour later, they drove to the cliffs and start walking through the green hills. Taron actually enjoys the fresh air and green landscape around him. It takes his mind off yesterday. Richard and his father are talking beside him and he barely listens. Richard’s father asks him questions on occasion and they talk for a bit, but Taron is quiet most of the time. 

They sit down in the grass after a while and Richard’s father recognizes once more the hesitation between those two. “I don’t want to invade your privacy, but did you two get into a fight?” 

“Not yet.” Richard says and looks down at the grass. “We’ll see how it goes.”

Taron looks at him with raised eyebrows and feels his blood starting to boil. He pushes himself up and looks at Richard’s father. “I need a moment.” 

Rich looks after him and rubs his face tiredly. “You two should talk.” he hears his father saying and shakes his head, still watching Taron walking away. “Come on, go and talk to him.” he pats his back and Rich gets up groaning, following Taron.

Taron stops walking after a while and shakes his head angrily. He puts his hands into his pockets and stares at the ocean in front of him. “What do you want?” he spits out as Richard comes closer. 

“Can we talk?” Richard asks and steps next to him. 

“‘Bout what?” T asks and doesn’t look at his boyfriend standing beside him. 

“Okay, seriously. What’s going on?” Rich growls a bit and watches Taron closely. 

“Everything was alright when we were around your parents and as soon as we were alone, you shut me out. I get it that you didn’t want to talk but no goodnight kiss, not even a good morning? And now this here.” Taron says and feels himself getting upset. “Listen, you didn’t tell me what was going on in the time I was away, but somehow you expect me to get it immediately.” he feels tears burning in his eyes and takes a deep breath. “And I don’t know if I did something wrong because your last comment sounded like I did.” he throws his arms in the air helplessly and looks at Richard, who remains silent watching him. “Please don’t go silent on me now.” he says and presses his lips together. 

“What do you want to hear?” Rich asks and turns towards him fully now. 

Taron lets out a weak laugh and looks up into the sky. “Okay, sure.” he just says and shakes his head a bit. 

“I’m sorry, Taron. I told you that yesterday.” he says and folds his arms in front of his chest as if to protect himself. “What should I do?” 

Taron turns towards him now and watches him with tears in his eyes. “I have no problem with you going through a rough time and needing space, you know that. But is it really too much to ask from you to say good morning or give me a kiss before going to bed?” 

Richard swallows seeing Taron’s trembling lips and shakes his head. “No it isn’t. I’m sorry, T.” 

“We’ve been apart for a few weeks and I need you close at the moment. You’re my safe space and I just need my boyfriend.” A tear escapes his eyes and rolls down his cheek, tightening Richard’s throat. “Please don’t push me away and then search for me as soon as others are around. If you need me, I don’t want it to be because of others, but because we’re in love and stick together.” his voice gets thin and another tear rolls down his cheek. “You and I, right?” he asks timidly.

Richard feels himself getting emotional and just wraps him into a hug hesitantly. Taron wraps his arms around him and waits for a moment. “I’m so sorry, love. I didn’t mean to hurt you.” he nestles his face in Taron’s shoulder and holds him tight. “Of course it’s you and I.” he whispers and Taron relaxes in his arms, burying his face in his shoulder. 

“I didn’t wanna cause a scene, but it just got too much after all this time we spent apart.” Taron explains and lets out a relieved sigh from being in his arms again. 

“It’s alright. Your feelings are important as well.” Richard rubs his back smoothly. “I’m sorry I got so weird. I need you just as much.” he pulls back and looks at Taron who does the same. Richard cups his face and leans his forehead against Taron’s. “Please forgive me.” he whispers and his thumbs stroke over the tearstains on Taron’s cheeks. 

“Already did.” T whispers back and bops his nose against Richard’s. “Let me help you, please.” 

Rich says nothing and kisses him softly. He continues stroking his cheeks and kissing him tender. “I’ll try.” 

Taron plays with the hair at the back of his neck and looks deep into his lover’s blue eyes. “That’s a good start.” 

“You wanna walk for a bit and I’ll tell you what happened?” he asks and watches his boyfriend closely. “My dad is taking a nap anyways.” 

“Okay.” Taron says and lets go of him. 

Richard looks at him and stretches his hand out hesitating. “Can I hold your hand?” 

“Of course, love.” Taron chuckles softly and interlocks their fingers. They start walking around a bit and Taron remains silent, giving him time to think about what he wants to tell him.

After a while, Richard seems to make his mind up about it and starts talking. “It was more mentally challenging than physical this time, which scared me. You know I can handle feeling sick or throwing up and getting better slowly throughout the day. But this time was different.” 

“How do you mean mentally?” T asks and stops walking when he sees the tears in Richard’s eyes. 

“I’m a mess at the moment.” he presses out, thinking back at the time he spent alone. 

***  
Richard comes home from dinner with Jamie and groans softly while taking off his jacket and shoes. He didn’t eat all too much the last days, so a normal dinner was way too much for his body. But Jamie doesn’t know about his eating disorder and he didn’t want to skip it. Jamie was flying back home tomorrow.

He feels full and his stomach hurts badly. Richard takes a glass from the kitchen and fills it with water, walking upstairs. He gets rid of his jeans and sweater, falling into bed only wearing a shirt and boxers. Richard covers himself with the blankets and runs his fingers through his hair, turning on his side. The loud ringing of his phone interrupts the silence and Richard quickly takes the call to make it stop. 

“Hey, love. I hope I didn’t wake you up!” Taron says worried.

“No, it’s fine. Just came back from dinner with Jamie. What’s going on?” Richard asks and turns onto his back again.

“Just needed to hear your voice.” Taron admits softly and leans back against his pillow.

“Rough day?” Rich asks with a soft smile on his lips and gets up to open the window a bit.

“Let’s call it hectic.” Taron giggles. “I just miss you.”

“I miss you too, bub. But we already have the half behind us.” Rich calms him down and goes back to bed.

“Yeah, how are you?”

“Pretty tired.” Richard says and he isn’t lying. He is tired, but he doesn’t want to worry Taron with how exhausted he really is.

“Aw, I should let you sleep then. I’ll call you tomorrow, I love you!” Taron says and tries to sound happy.

“I love you too and we’ll see each other soon.” With that Richard ends the call, turns to his side and switches the app.

Taron looks at his phone a bit sad and lies down with it in his hand. He opens his photo gallery and searches for the album with all their pictures. But before he can watch them to calm his mind, Richard’s name appears on his screen again. This time it’s a video call and Taron takes it immediately.

“See you soon.” Rich says and winks at him. Taron’s eyes light up as he lies on his side and watches him on his screen. “You’re so cute looking like that.”

“You’re cuter wrapped up in the blanket looking sleepy.” Taron mumbles adoringly.

They keep on talking sleepy nonsense and Richard slowly falls asleep. T starts singing when he notices and it doesn’t take long for Richard to be in a deep sleep.  
Taron knows Richard’s phone will turn itself off in 15 minutes and so he cuddles into his blanket and watches him sleep peacefully. He falls asleep before the 15 minutes are over, the image of his boyfriend giving him complete peace.

Richard wakes up in the morning with a hurting stomach and stays in bed after turning off his alarm. He feels sickish while getting up and brushing his teeth. Taking a shower isn’t helping. The steamy air in the bathroom only makes him feel worse.

Seeing himself in the mirror while taming his curls, he swallows hard. He shouldn’t have looked at all. His reflection in the mirror was one of those things he hates the most whenever he slipped back into his old behaviors. It disgusts him seeing himself and sometimes Richard genuinely wonders how Taron could love him this way. Taron’s lips wandered over all his most intimate spots and never has he ever looked at him the way he did at himself. A secret to Richard. He can barely draw his eyes from the mirror even though he doesn’t like what he sees and he realizes once more that people can’t stop staring at stuff that they don’t like. 

He dresses himself for the day and goes downstairs into the kitchen to drink some coffee. But as soon as he takes the first gulp, he retches afterwards and contorts his face. “Okay, no coffee today.” he groans and pours it down the sink.

He puts on his shoes and jacket, grabs his keys and leaves the house. In the car, he listens to Taron’s version of Tiny Dancer. Hearing his voice always makes him feel a bit better. Richard sings along to the tune bored, and he knows Taron would squeak around now and look at him with his big puppy eyes. Richard giggles at the thought, knowing T loves his singing.

Arriving on set, he has ten minutes to get ready for make-up. Then the costume for today and off he goes to deliver a good performance. He’s wrecked before lunch break. His sickness had gotten worse and he feels dizzy because he hasn’t drank anything yet. The tight suit isn’t helping and he’s lucky to take it off during the break. While the rest of the crew goes out to eat, he goes back to his trailer. Inside, he just slides down the door and leans against it. He wraps his arms around his stomach and taps his left foot nervously on the floor. 

Don’t give in. Don’t just throw up. It doesn’t make everything better. You’re nervous about this stupid role, about mean comments from people and that’s all. No need to stop eating whenever no one is around. 

Twenty minutes later, he’s pacing the little bit of room he has in his trailer trying to stay away from the bathroom. He gets his phone out and dials Taron’s number, but his boyfriend doesn’t take the call. He was probably busy on set as well.

Another twenty minutes later he lies on the sofa, tucked up legs and closed eyes. Trying to relax and sleep, with an set alarm, could help him to get his head off it. But after what feels like five minutes he has to turn the alarm off and go back on set.

He walks into the dressing room and takes his suit from Zoey. Richard gets it on and lets her do the rest. She has a preferred way to close the buttons of the shirt and jacket, pull at the sleeves, and check the trousers.

She frowns a bit looking at him. “I think I got a suit that’s too small. Look at the sleeves, way too short. Isn’t it a bit tight?”

“It is.” he agrees and Zoey watches him frowning.

“Give me a second.” she disappears into the adjoining room and comes back with the same suit but a size bigger. “Try this on, Rich.”

Richard changes the suit and can finally breathe properly again. He steps back in the room and Zoey nods agreeing, showing her thumbs up. He lets her close the buttons and watches her doing it. 

Zoey worked on set often with him and she recognized the changes his body went through whenever he wasn’t feeling well or fighting against his eating disorder. So one day, Richard opened up to her and she promised she would tell no one. That was five years ago and now she works on every set he’s in and takes care of covering up his insecurities whenever he had to attend any premiere or event since then. Taron met her a few times and is glad that he has somebody who takes care of him with the clothing.

She finishes the last button and looks up to him. “I hope you know I meant its too tight. The sleeves were too short and you couldn’t move properly in it.”

“I know, don’t worry.” Rich calms her down.

She takes his left arm and fixes the buttons on the sleeve. “You’re going through it at the moment, am I right?” he raises his eyebrows at her surprised. “The suit sits perfectly everywhere.” She points at his stomach. “And here it’s a bit loose.” she looks at him shortly. “And you can’t keep still for a bloody minute.”

Richard nods slowly and says nothing as she fixes the other sleeve. “I’m trying not to slip back into it.” he finally admits.

“Does Taron know about that?” she asks and gets on her knees to look if the trousers are the way she made them to be.

“Not yet. He should be able to focus on his work. He’ll be back in 10 days anyways.”

“You do know how long 10 days can be? If it helps, we can meet up for dinner today.” she suggests and checks his hair.

“We could.” Richard says slowly and nods. Maybe this wouldn’t be a bad idea and Taron wouldn’t interpret anything in it if he knew about it later. He knows about Zoey and knows she’s just a friend trying to help.

“You look a bit pale. You sure you’re okay?” he just nods and avoids her look now. “Well then, off you go.”

The afternoon is horrible and the urge to throw up gets stronger. As soon as Zoey got him out of his suit, he felt like throwing up right there on her floor. They go out for dinner in a lovely little restaurant and Richard can barely cope with all the different smells. After eating enough to get through with it, he excuses himself and goes to the bathroom. Luckily no one is inside and he crouches down in front of the toilet. 

“Please don’t.” he begs himself and tries to stop himself from retching. “Don’t.” he buries his face in his hands and his breathing gets faster. Panic is settling in. He doesn’t want to fall back into it. But it doesn’t take long and he throws up, getting rid of everything he kept in today. Afterwards, he gets up groaning and flushes the toilet. He washes his hands, drinks water to get rid of the taste in his mouth and slaps his cheeks a bit to stop himself from looking pale. “Come on, you can do it.”  
Getting back, he sits down heavily and tries to blend out all the different smells around him. 

Zoey watches him closely and stops eating. “Please tell me you didn’t.” 

“Sorry.” he mumbles and avoids her look now. 

“You really thought you could fool me with patting your cheeks after being away for ten minutes?” 

“I guess.” Richard just says and looks at her finishing her wine. 

“You’re staying home tomorrow.”

“Zoey.”

“No. I’ll tell them you looked sick yesterday and need the rest of the week off. You should focus on yourself, talk to Taron, get some fresh air. Eat.” she says and takes out her phone. 

Richard grabs it softly and shakes his head. “Isolation is the most stupid and risky thing you can do to me.” 

She looks into his feared blue eyes and sees he means it. “You can’t keep on doing everything like nothing’s wrong.” 

“And you can’t stop me from living a normal life. I need a routine, contact with people where I have to act normal.”

“Don’t say normal, you’re not a freak.” she squints her eyes and grabs her phone back. 

“Yes I am, it’s okay. I can cope with it.” he says firmly. 

“What does Taron say about this? You think he’d be with a crazy person?” she asks honestly, but bites her lip when she sees his look. 

“That was mean towards the people who suffer from an illness that drives them crazy.” he states and leans back. “And I don’t know what’s going on in his head.”

“Richard, you are loved and you can get help wherever you want to.”

Richard looks away from her and shakes his head, feeling his throat getting tight. “I don’t deserve to be loved. Especially not from him.” he simply says and can barely look at her. 

Her face goes blank and shock settles in her eyes. “What? Stop that bullshit right now. Taron loves you with all of his heart. You deserve to be loved. More than many other people I know.” she leans forward and looks at him seriously. “Richard, you are not broken or a problem, you hear me? You have the right to feel shitty and fight against something, just like any other person. Don’t drag yourself down that way.”

He blinks away the tears that brimmed his eyes and takes a deep breath. “I don’t think about it that way. And that’s the main problem.”

“Then you need therapy and work on your self-esteem.” 

Richard just lets out a dark laugh and stares out of the window. Of course. “What exactly do you think I’m doing on the days where I can’t appear on set because of an appointment?” he slowly looks back at his friend and raises his eyebrows, challenging her statement. 

“Hm, I don’t know what kind of appointments an actor like Richard Madden has to attend to most of the week. Probably the same as other actors in his range.” She raises her eyebrows challenging him as well. 

“Fair point.” he just grins and rolls his eyes. “I’m trying, Zoey. I do everything I can about it.” She watches him and he sees the worry in her eyes. “Please don’t.” he says softly. 

“What?” she asks confused. 

“Please don’t look at me like that.” he sighs. 

“Like what, Rich?” she laughs a bit and gets out her purse as she sees the waiter coming towards them. 

“Like you’re worried about me. There’s no need to worry.” he says and moves to get his wallet but realizes it’s gone and lying next to Zoey. 

“You’re my friend. I’ll always worry about you, dumbass.” she smiles at the waiter in front of her. “I’m paying.” 

Rich rolls his eyes when she quickly hides his wallet and pays for them both. As soon as he’s gone, he looks at her annoyed. “I told you before not to pay for my meals.”

“I’m paying because I brought you to a restaurant where the food is so shitty you don’t wanna keep it in.” she throws him back his wallet and gets up. 

“Ouch.” he just says and sees how she realizes what she just said. 

“Oh god I’m sorry.” she says and presses her hand in front of her mouth. 

“Forget it.” he laughs and hands her her coat. 

“That’s the second rude thing I said today.” she says and giggles a bit. 

Richard can’t sleep that night and paces through his bedroom. He stares out of the window, looks at the stars, taps bored and nervous rhythms with his fingers on the window or scrolls through his phone. Nothing helps until Taron, who’s one hour ahead of him, sends him a voice mail. He gets his air pods and connects them with his phone. 

“Morning, love. Hope you’re alright and your dinner with Zoey was fun yesterday, already in the news.” he giggles shortly and Richard lets out a groan. “I’ll have to be on set the whole day so I thought I’ll send you something. I’m so sorry that I missed your call. You’re probably asleep, or at least you should be at 4am.” Taron goes on rambling something about his upcoming day and Richard lies down listening to his still a bit sleepy sounding boyfriend. “I love you and I miss you so much! Can’t wait to see you again, baby.” 

Richard texts him “I love you!” and stares at the ceiling. Only a second later Taron calls him and Richard takes it. “Yeah?” 

“Richard. Madden.” His tone is meant to be stern, but it’s not working very well.

“What?” he laughs. 

“Why the fuck are you awake? You don’t have to be on set before nine!” Taron says shocked. “Did you just wake up or never went to bed?” 

“You’d prefer me lying now.” Rich giggles and Taron groans. 

“Ew go to bed. You’re gonna be so fucked on set later.” Taron giggles as well now and rolls his eyes. 

“You think I should stay home?” Richard asks, thinking back to the previous evening. 

“That’s your choice. If you feel like staying home, do it.” T is interrupted by talking to someone. “Gotta go, I love you!” 

“Love you too, bubs. Stay safe.” he says and Taron ends the call. 

Back on set, he drinks a coffee while Zoey fixes his trousers. She sees the way he contorts his face and tries to convince himself that he needs it. “Didn’t sleep?” 

“Not really.” he says and takes another swallow. God this was disgusting! 

“You look like you hate coffee! What’s wrong? I know you love it usually!” she laughs when he makes a funny face and sticks his tongue out at her. 

“Yeah but not when I’m not doing well. Ugh that’s so gross.” he puts it aside and shakes his head.  
She just laughs and watches him closely. “You should let somebody from the makeup team cover up those rings under your eyes.”  
“That bad?” he asks and contorts his face.  
“Let’s say you’re close to a panda bear.” she ducks away as he punches her playfully before laughing.  
***  
Richard tells Taron everything and opens up completely. They sat down in the grass facing each other. Taron has his legs tucked up and his head is resting on his knees while he listens closely.  
Rich gets lost sometimes or takes a break thinking about how to continue. He focuses on his boyfriend’s eyes. The softness and understanding in them is the reassurance he needs. He tells him about the nights he stayed up, the talk he had with Zoey, the times he couldn’t look at himself or felt like giving up.  
When he’s done he looks at Taron who watches him with a sad smile. “Do you really think you don’t deserve to be loved?”  
“Sometimes.” Rich nods and bites his lower lip.  
Taron sits between Richard’s legs and looks straight into his eyes. He cups his face soft and hesitant.  
“What are you doing?” Richard mumbles and lets his eyes wander all over his boyfriend’s face.  
Taron leans forward, looks at him for one last time and connects their lips for a sweet and loving kiss. He pulls back and looks at him closely. “Does this feel wrong?” Richard shakes his head. He fondles over his cheek. “This?” and again he shakes his head. Taron lifts Richard’s hand and lies it on his cheek. He strokes over his hand that’s cupping his face now and places a tiny kiss on the palm of his hand. “This here?” Rich shakes his head again and looks at him a bit confused. “As long as this here doesn’t feel wrong, you fully deserve my love.” Taron says and Richard sees the tears in his eyes. “I love you and you are worth every second I spend with you.”  
Richard bites his lower lip and feels tears burning in his eyes. “But you’re not worth of my love.” he studies Taron’s face which goes blank for a moment. “I am here for you on one day and then I push you away on others. What kind of love is this? You absolutely deserve better.”  
“Stop saying you’re worse than me. Because you clearly are not. And you’re right, I don’t deserve it because on good days you show me so much love and on the bad ones you’re trying to protect me.” Taron shakes his head slightly and makes eye contact again. “But I told you the night before we got together, you don’t have to always protect me. Not from yourself.” he catches a tear with his thumb and looks at him smiling softly. “Come here.” he says barely audible.  
Rich pulls him into a hug and buries his face in his shoulder. He starts crying and lets go of all the stress and loneliness he felt the last few weeks. Taron soothes him while holding him close and, once more, he realizes it’s important to open up and talk about what’s going on in his head.  
  
That evening, Richard lies awake next to Taron, who already fell asleep a little while ago. Their hands are tangled underneath the blanket and they’re closer than ever. It takes him a while to fall asleep and he’s glad when he recognizes himself drifting off finally.  
He wakes up later when he hears Taron whimpering next to him. Richard pushes himself up on his elbow and carefully strokes over his shoulder. “Taron?”  
But T doesn’t give an answer and pants softly. Richard turns on his bedside lamp and sees that Taron is still deep asleep. “Oh shit.” Richard curses as Taron starts panicking in his sleep. He sits up and leans over him fondling over his hair. Sometimes he managed to calm Taron down in his sleep.  
“No, no, no.” Taron begs and single tears roll down his cheeks. Then he screams his name and Richard jumps shocked.  
It scared him every time Taron tried to reach out to him in his sleep and screamed for him full of panic. The bedroom door gets opened abruptly and his father looks at him shocked. “What’s going on?”  
“Nightmare.” Rich just says focusing on his boyfriend. “Taron love, wake up.” he says and rocks him softly. He doesn’t want to bring him back into reality in a forceful way, but he can’t leave him trapped in his nightmare. Taron sucks in air and jumps up, his head crashes against Richard’s chin, who lets out a pained groan. “Careful.” he moans and sees the panic in his boyfriend’s eyes. Richard sits between his legs now and cups his face. “You’re back. Everything is okay. You’re with me now.”  
“I-fuck, Rich.” Taron sighs and sinks his head against his chest.  
Richard fondles over his hair calmingly and places a soft kiss in his hair. “It’s okay, you’re safe now.” he assures him and Taron wraps his arms around him longing for his touch. Richard hears his father closing the door and focuses on Taron again. He’s covered in sweat and trying to get air in his lungs. “Hey, breathe.”  
Taron sniffs and holds him closer as he starts shaking. He cries silent tears into his chest and feels Richard pulling back.  
“Oh love, don’t cry. Everything’s alright, it was just a dream.” Rich promises and wipes away his tears.  
“I lost you.” Taron chokes out and can’t look into his eyes. He feels Richard cupping his face and turning him back, so he’s facing the baby blue eyes of his boyfriend.  
“You won’t. I’m here.” he says and kisses him softly. “Come on, you need a shower.” He carefully helps him out of bed and into the bathroom. Richard undresses Taron carefully, along with himself, and steps into the shower. He turns it on and Taron searches his touch, leaning against him exhausted. The Scottish shampoos him, holds him close, mumbles soft words in his ear and rubs loving tiny circles on his back.  
Afterwards, he dresses Taron with a shirt of himself, knowing T needed this after such a dream. He dries his hair and Taron hugs him as he dries his own curls. Richard puts the dryer aside and looks down at Taron who is staring up at him. “Alright?” T nods and looks deep into his eyes, his own filling with longing. Richard starts stroking through his fluffy warm hair and kisses his forehead, nose, down to his lips. They share the sweetest kiss they had in a while and Taron cups his face, keeping him where he is. After a while, Richard walks him back into the bedroom and lies down with him. He wraps the blanket around his boyfriend and let him lie on him fully.  
  
Taron wakes up in his boyfriend’s arms the next morning, still cuddled into him and he smiles to himself. He rolls off from him carefully and moves to get up when he feels Richard wrapping his arms around him and pulling him back. He falls back laughing and lies on top of Richard again. “I need a shower, love.”  
“Don’t care.” Rich mumbles and holds him tight. “We can shower together later.” he turns them on their sides and buries his face in Taron’s neck.  
“It’s already 9am. Your mum wanted to have a nice breakfast with us all.” Taron says and smiles brightly. It feels good to have Richard wanting him near and by his side.  
“You do realize that my parents don’t eat breakfast at 9am when they are off work?” he giggles softly. “They’re gonna set up the table at 10, believe me.” T lets out a soft groan and relaxes in his arms. “Enough time to cuddle.”  
Taron turns around in his arms and looks at him with raised eyebrows. “Someone’s needy for cuddles.”  
“Fuck off, you’re staying here.” Richard says and looks at him with a bright grin as Taron cracks up. He closes his eyes again and enjoys the comfortable cuddle they share.  
Taron studies every inch of his man’s beautiful face and feels proud. He was the one that won Richard’s heart and kept it. It still amazes him that out of anyone a guy like Richard could have he picked him. “I really don’t get it.” he mumbles thinking out loud while stroking his finger down Richard’s nose and bopping the tip of it.  
Rich opens his eyes and looks at him confused. “What?”  
“Why I’m your boyfriend.” T says caught up in thoughts and continues bopping his nose. “You could have had anyone. I mean you look stunning. You’re a cutie and those blue eyes…Well pour hot soup in my lap I would apologize to you.”  
“What?!” Richard starts laughing now. “You started so cute and then you showed me once more how crazy you are.”  
“Crazy bout ya.” T says and giggles softly when Rich fondles over his nose just like he did before.  
“Why are you my boyfriend? You’re a great listener, a real softie. You can somehow read my current mood from my eyes which I hate because that means I’m shitty at acting.” he makes a funny face knowing T would react to the last statement.  
“That’s not true! You’re amazing at it and you know that. You and your golden globe.” Taron protests laughing.  
“You can be the cutest, cuddly puppy sometimes but when I need you to help me, you’re there and focused. You have a very beautiful voice, my favorite smile in the world, and your eyes are so gorgeous.” Rich smiles at his blushing boyfriend who has tears in his eyes. “And I love it when you blush and start crying when I say something nice.” he whispers and T giggles softly. “And I guess those are some of the reasons you’re my boyfriend.”  
“I love you.” Taron breathes out and starts playing with Richard’s hair.  
Rich leans forward and connects their lips. He places soft and loving kisses on Taron’s lips, being gentle but longing. “I love you too.”  
Taron leans his forehead against Richard’s and cuddles into him. “Thank you for taking care of me last night.”  
“Of course.” Rich just says and kisses him, needing to feel his lips again.  
  
Downstairs, Richard can’t help himself and looks towards the stairs as Taron comes down, wearing his dark green sweater and a pair of sweatpants. He absolutely adores it when Taron wears his clothes, he looks so good in it. He pulls him on his lap and presses a big kiss on his lips, smiling.  
“What put you in such a good mood?” T asks curiously and watches him happily.  
Rich kisses him again, not giving a care in the world that his parents sit opposite them. “You.” Taron looks up to him adoringly with dreamy eyes.  
“What would you do without him, huh?” his mother asks and Richard thinks about a suiting answer.  
“That’s what I’m asking myself so often. What would I do without you, cutie?” Taron says and strokes his cheek, kissing him again. Rich tries not to laugh at that and buries his face in Taron’s shoulder shortly, which gives him enough time to use his acting skills and stop himself from laughing.  
His mother comes back with some coffee and pours her son a cup. “No, thanks mum.” he mumbles and gets a confused look from her.  
“I thought you love coffee?”  
“Yeah, just not now.” he says and avoids his parents looks. “Upsets my stomach at the moment.”  
T looks at him shortly and grabs his hand underneath the table. So he didn’t only throw up once while he was away. The problem about all of this was that Richard sometimes started to eat a bit less every day, which goes unrecognized by both of them. It usually happens when the pressure on set gets too much or a certain scene or event is coming up. If he eats a bit more again and feels too full, he starts restricting and then it becomes dangerous. When he’s at that stage, he’ll start eating normal amounts in front of others and next to nothing as soon as no one’s looking. This leads to the terrible stomachaches and throwing up when it becomes too much.  
“Okay, then don’t drink it.” his mother says with a soft smile and takes it away.  
  
Later that day, Richard is sitting on a blanket underneath a tree in their garden, Taron between his legs. He has his arms wrapped around him and T has his head rested comfortably on his chest. Taron fondles over his arms and Rich places a kiss in his hair.  
“Something’s wrong with me.” Rich mumbles.  
“How do you mean?” Taron asks confused and turns his head to the side a bit, looking up to him.  
“I mean, it isn’t normal what I’m doing to myself over and over again, even though I hate it and I don’t want it in my life.” Richard looks down at him now and shrugs his shoulders. “Makes no sense.”  
“Do you trust me?” Taron asks and sits up now, turning to his side and rests his head on Richard’s lap.  
“Yeah, of course I do, stupid.” he says lovingly and starts playing with Taron’s hair, who’s grinning at the “stupid”.  
“Good. So trust me, there is nothing wrong with you.”  
“Don’t say that, you know it’s not true. You have no single flaw, you’re normal.” The Scottish says and runs his fingers through Taron’s hair now, massaging his scalp a bit.  
“Who is the one that hits his boyfriend in his sleep because he has a nightmare? Who stays up for hours because he can’t calm down?” Taron raises his eyebrows at him, trying to show him he has flaws as well. “Or being clumsy as hell, being messy as soon as you aren’t around and so on.”  
“It happens. And you’re actually adorable when you need me to hold you.” Rich chuckles softly. “Or when you hit your head and need a hug. It’s cute.”  
Taron starts laughing. “What?” he shakes his head furiously. “No stop it.”  
“Why should I?” he asks giggling.  
“Listen, Richie you are who you are. And I fell in love with you a long time ago.” Taron states and grabs the hand that’s lying on his stomach. He relaxes into Richard’s gentle touch on his head and smiles up to him. “Don’t worry so much about it.”  
“I just don’t wanna feel this way anymore.” he sighs and leans back against the tree. “I think I should meet with my therapist again. I don’t know how long I’m able to fight it alone anymore. I don’t need a hard phase right now.”  
“We’ll call him as soon as we’re back home.” T says and Richard smiles thankful.  
  
Two months later, Richard is pacing his dressing room and feels sick again. But this time it’s because he’s nervous, like always before a premiere.  
“Richard, I swear, sit down!” Zoey lets out a frustrated groan while searching for something in her bag. Richard just rolls his eyes and continues his nervous behavior. “Taron, please.” she begs T who sits on the sofa not stopping Richard.  
“Come here, love.” Taron says and pats his lap. He knows Richard starts running around when he’s nervous and he always lets him do it. But with Zoey trying to focus, it wasn’t the best option at the moment. His boyfriend falls into his lap heavily and sinks against him. “Everything’s alright. No need to be nervous.” he soothes him, rubbing his back calmingly.  
Zoey finally found what she was looking for, puts it aside and gives Taron his suit. “Just put it on next door. I’ll have Rich ready by the time you finish.”  
Taron leaves the room and Richard puts on the suit she handed him. He sees himself in the mirror and hates it. It looks awful and he just wants to get it off again. But Zoey starts pulling at the sleeves and gets him ready. “I’m not ready for this shit.” he mumbles and feels panic welling up in him.  
“What?” she asks confused and looks at him shortly. “They can’t postpone the premiere just because you’re not feeling like it today.” she says and fixes the tie.  
“I look like shit, Zoey. What are you even doing?” he suddenly says and the panic closes his throat, tears burn in his eyes. If he goes out like this, he would throw away two months of hard work with his therapist and Taron. He started feeling more or less okay not so long ago and he wasn’t ready to give it up already.  
“What?” she looks up now and sees a single tear dropping down on the light green suit jacket leaving a stain. “Oh, Rich, don’t cry on the suit now. We have five minutes left, I don’t have time for this now, hun.”  
“What’s going on?” T asks as he steps in and sees his upset boyfriend and his friend’s frustrated look.  
“He doesn’t like it.” Zoey groans and rubs her face.  
“Zoey, honestly, what color is that? Definitely not his. Who picked that?” Taron asks, his face twisted in disgust. Zoey wouldn’t pick such a color for his boyfriend. The light green was a strange mixture and it made Rich look pale and tired, his eyes becoming dark compared to it. He could see why Richard hates it.  
“The management because it fits with the posters of the movie. I wouldn’t have picked it as well.” she admits groaning and looks at her slightly panicked mate. She couldn’t do this to him and after all, she was his stylist. “Take it off. I’ll get something else.”  
Richard watches her leaving the room and tries to open the buttons with his shaking hands. “Can you help me?” he asks shyly and looks at Taron.  
T sees the fear in his eyes and steps before him quickly. “Calm down, love.” he says lovingly and opens the buttons of the jacket and continues with his shirt. “We’ll have a lovely evening and I’ll be right by your side.” Taron wipes his cheeks clean and gives him a quick kiss. “Deep breaths.” he gets him out of the jacket and his shirt and opens the button of his trousers. Zoey comes back and hands him a dark blue suit.  
T takes it and helps him to get it on. He closes the buttons calmly, knowing his boyfriend’s friend is stressed now. Putting on the blue jacket, Richard’s eyes are calmer and brighter almost instantly due to the fitting color. He closes the buttons, fixes his sleeves and kisses him softly before kneeling down and fixing the trousers. “One day I’m going to do this again, but not for fixing your trousers.” Taron says and winks at him. Rich raises his eyebrows trying to find out which one of the things going through his mind is the right one. “I don’t mean it in a sexual way, baby.” Taron promises giggling. “Will you marry me?” he says and winks up to him again.  
“Dork.” Rich says and both start laughing. But if Taron knew what he just did to him saying that he probably would grin. His heart is racing and warms at the thought of Taron asking him that. Taron gets up and Richard kisses him softly, smiling about the fact that Taron decided to spend his life with him. And he was ready for it, whenever he would ask him.  
Zoey looks at them as they step outside and raises her thumb at Rich. “Happy now?”  
“Yea.” Richard says and looks at himself shortly. It was better than before no question. He sees Taron stepping next to him and grabs his hand.  
“Ready?” Taron asks caring and gives him a kiss on his cheek, standing up on his toes.  
“Now I am.” he pulls him into a soft kiss, taking in all the love Taron has for him. It would be a good evening and he would be okay one day.


End file.
